


Like A Nox

by Amahami



Category: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Everything Hurts, Gen, Graphic Self-Harm, Graphic suicidal thoughts, Hurt No Comfort, Intrusive Thoughts, Minor Character Death, Pain, Protective Tina Goldstein, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, This is not a happy fic!, i really don't know how to tag this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-15
Updated: 2017-03-15
Packaged: 2018-10-05 20:07:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10316000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amahami/pseuds/Amahami
Summary: Queenie is a legilimens. But you already knew that. What you didn't know was that she wakes up from even her deep sleep when someone is screaming in their mind. This isn't the first time, and isn't the last, but it's definitely one of the worst.**please read the tags. This is a graphic fic with no comfort.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you, [NotAWriter](http://archiveofourown.org/users/DarthTarth/pseuds/NotAWriter) for betaing this for me! 
> 
> I've had this idea in my head a while and wanted to share it with the world.
> 
> Friendly reminder that I don't own any of the characters, nor am I making any money off this. :)

When Queenie was a young girl, she found out the hard way that she needed to stay away from secondary schools and hospitals; there were a lot of people with unbearable thoughts in those places.   
  
She only managed to go to school herself because she was being taught Occlumency there, to help keep others’ thoughts out of her mind.   
  
Occlumency does not work in big crowds, however, like Quidditch matches or in the City. There was too much to block out for too long. She could keep her mental shields up for a quarter hour, but no more.   
  
In her sleep, her shields went down. Most of the nighttime thoughts were white noise for her, and actually helped her sleep.   
  
Occasionally, she’d wake up from loud thoughts. Oftentimes, those were people having sex, but they never kept her awake for long.

  
Tonight was not one of those nights.  
  
It was one thirty in the morning, and she had been asleep for three hours, dreaming of llamas and Jacob, until someone’s thoughts woke her up.  
  
There is no way to describe them except black and gray. The thoughts were nothing but pain - physical, emotional pain. Like static stabbing directly into your brain.  
  
Queenie jolted up in bed, gasping. She was trying to figure out what was going on, but all she could get was pain. So, so much pain.  
  
Hopelessness. Scenes played out in incoherent flashes - some authority figure telling the owner of the thoughts that they were worthless and would never amount to anything - people familiar to the person were sneering at them, calling them slurs.  
  
Being beat up for being queer, being told to die by an anonymous face, being called useless by another, and the memories were swirling so rapidly Queenie fell over from her bed onto the floor.  
  
She didn’t feel it. She was absorbed by the horrible memories.  
  
Queenie heard the door open, but didn’t acknowledge it until there was a hand on her shoulder.  
  
“Queenie?” Tina’s voice made it through the dark staticky haze of someone’s mind, “Are you okay?”  
  
Queenie blinked rapidly, trying to bring her vision back. _When did it go away?_   
  
She sat up slowly, and looked at Tina, illuminated by the lights of the City outside their apartment, “Someone’s in trouble.” Is all she said, scrambling to get up, not registering the pain in her shoulder.  
  
Queenie wordlessly summoned her wand and used magic to put her shoes on in but the blink of an eye. Then she was out the door.  
  
Tina hurried after her, shouting, but it didn’t seem to be doing any good. Tina sighed and apparated next to Queenie and took hold of her shoulders half a block from their apartment.  
  
“Where are you going? Who’s in trouble? What kind of trouble?” Tina rushed out, slurring her words together slightly in her haste.  
  
Queenie stared at Tina for a few moments while she attempted to sort through what she was hearing in her mind, to try to see whatever the person could see.  
  
“I…” Queenie’s voice trembled, “I don’t know where they are. I can’t help... They need help. They need help, Tina, and I can’t! I don’t know where they are, and I can’t help…” She whimpered and her eyes filled with tears, several immediately tumbling over onto her cheeks.  
  
Tina wrapped an arm around Queenie’s shoulder, “I’m going to apparate us home, okay?”  
  
Once Queenie nodded, Tina followed through and apparated them back to their apartment.  
  
Tina was calling Queenie’s name, but Queenie didn’t seem to be responding in any way. As soon as she’d let go of her sister, she’d rushed off to make cocoa the way Queenie liked best.  
  
Unfortunately, it took four minutes to make perfectly, so when Tina came back into the front room, Queenie was exactly where she had been, but she was whimpering and rocking slightly.  
  
Tina approached cautiously, “Queenie?” She repeated, getting no response, “Queenie. Queens? Sissy?”   
  
She waited a few moments to see if her sister would respond to her rarely used childhood nickname. There was still no response.  
  
Tina sighed and laid a gentle hand on Queenie’s elbow.   
  
She knew what to expect, so she’d erected a shield as she touched her sister’s elbow. Which was good, because otherwise she’d be petrified and stunned on the floor stuck with broken ceramic and in burning cocoa.  
  
After a few moments, Queenie sighed, “Sorry, Teens. I’m so sorry.”  
  
Tina shook her head and handed her sister a cup of cocoa, “It’s okay, Queenie. It’s okay. Cocoa. Your favourite. Let’s sit down and sort through those thoughts, yeah?”   
  
Queenie nodded a bit absentmindedly, “Yeah, yes, of course.”   
  
Tina lead her to the sofa and sat her down before sitting down, herself, “So. What’s going on?”  
  
Queenie took a shuddering breath before taking a long sip of the scalding cocoa, “Someone close by is about to kill themself.”  
  
Tina hadn’t known what to expect, but it certainly wasn’t that. She sputtered incoherently for a few moments.  
  
“Are you sure?” She finally got out, not disbelieving her sister, but needing to double check.  
  
Queenie looked up and met Tina’s eyes, “They have been butchering their body for the last fifteen minutes to help take away the mental pain. They think themself a failure, weak, worthless, useless… I can’t even-”   
  
A hiccough-sob shuddered through her, “I don’t even know where they are.”   
  
Tina had never heard Queenie speak in such a small voice before, “What can you see, Queenie?”  
  
Queenie shook her head, inadvertently shaking her whole body and sloshing hot cocoa onto her hands and lap. She didn’t notice.  
  
“What kind of wallpaper is there?” Tina tried again.   
  
“No visual input, Tina. None. They could be on the sun for all I know. I can’t see from their thoughts. Their pain is covering it all up. It has the whole time. Tina, we have to help! We can’t just sit here drinking cocoa when someone is dying!”   
  
Queenie had stood up while yelling, and managed to drop her mug of cocoa in the process.  
  
She stared at the shattered ceramic and sank heavily back onto the sofa, “Sorry, Teens… I didn’t mean to-” another hiccough-sob, “To yell or break your-” A full sob this time, “Your mug.”  
  
Tina smiled sadly and cast a repairing charm on it before vanishing the liquid, “All better. Do you have any audio from them?”  
  
“Only their pain, Tina! Only pain. Pain physically and mentally and their memories and their need to die, Tina, they’re in so much pain, we have to help them! We have to help, nobody knows, they’re all alone and we need to help them!”  
  
_Strong. You have to stay strong. You have to be her rock, Porpentina. You can do this. Stay strong. Queenie needs you._ __  
__  
“Queenie, honey…” Her sentence drifted off as she wrapped an arm around her sister, whose frame was trembling with sobs.  
  
“There is no way we can help, Queenie. Not with so little information to go on. Can you get any more information?”   
  
Queenie’s sobs grew louder and more violent, “I’m a legilimens, not a fucking bank teller! I can’t ask them anything, talk to them, nothing like that. You know this! I can’t-” A sob, “I can’t do any-” a hiccough-sob, “Anything! I’m just so- so _worthless._ ”  
  
Tina tried comforting her sister, but she wasn’t really holding it together, herself. They couldn’t help, and someone was dying. She knew it had to be worse for Queenie, being able to hear their thoughts, but it was still awful for her.  
  
The two of them sat in silence for a while, Queenie struggling to keep her breaths matched with Tina’s, until out of the blue, Queenie let out a loud wail.  
  
Tina startled; she’d zoned out from exhaustion and stress, “Wha-at?” She was on her feet with her wand in her hand.  
  
Queenie just shook her head and sobbed loudly. There were tears streaming down her face and snot dripping out of her nose. Her eyes were red and her skin was blotchy.   
  
Tina sighed and hugged her sister gently, trying to soothe her, “It’ll be okay, tomorrow will come, the sun will rise, we will get through this.”  
  
“They’re dead, Tina.” Queenie’s voice was flat and cold.   
  
Tina stiffened, “How do you know?”  
  
“Their thoughts. They just… Cut off. Abruptly. Like using a _nox_. They’re gone.” Queenie’s face went blank and she dropped her hands from her lap.  
  
“Queenie?” No response, “Queenie, are you okay?” Tina knew that was a dumb question, but she had to start somewhere.  
  
Queenie’s breathing was shallow but steady, similarly to that of deep sleep, although her eyes were open (unseeing).  
  
Tina tried to get her attention in any way she could think of. She even went so far as to pinch her sister. No reaction. Not even a blink.  
  
Her sister was in a catatonic state. She wanted to make sure Queenie was as comfortable as possible, so she made a brief plan on how to move Queenie to her room.  
  
Once she had finished the plan, she spoke gently to her sister, “I’m going to move you, okay? We are just going to your room. I’m going to lay you down so you don’t have back pain when you come out of this. Okay?” There was no response, “Okay, I’m going to magic to transport you. You’ll float to your room, and then I’ll make you as comfortable as I can.”  
  
Tina nodded to herself and waved her wand gracefully while pointing it at her sister. She carefully manoeuvred the blonde through the apartment, trying not to let her scrape the walls or ceiling. It was more difficult than it appeared, and she likely bruised her sister’s arms.  
  
Once they made it to Queenie’s bedroom, Tina laid her on top of the bed and took her shoes off.  
  
“Okay Queenie, I’ll just be in my room if you need me.” Tina smiled in her sister’s direction before heading to her own room.  
  
She had barely laid down when the sirens began. They stopped close by and she cast a quick disillusionment charm on herself before slipping quietly out of their apartment and following the no-maj paramedics up the stairs to two floors above her and Queenie.  
  
In the front room to the apartment was someone dead, wounds still slowly bleeding. Countless wounds, all self-inflicted. _So many._  
  
Tina ran back down to her and Queenie’s apartment, and checked on Queenie.   
_____  
  
_Pain. So much pain. She deserved it, she knew. She let an innocent die. She deserves to die too. She is worthless. Everyone knows it. She can only listen to people hurt and die, she can’t do anything about it. What’s the purpose of her being a legilimens? For her to suffer? It seems like it. She deserves it anyway. She deserves the pain and suffering. She’s useless, she doesn’t deserve the life she has. She’s fucked up and disgusting and everyone uses her. She knows that. She deserves it, so she doesn’t complain. She was made for being used. She’s not in enough pain though. There’s no physical pain to add to the mental pain. She needs physical pain._ __  
__  
_Oh, that’s better. It hurts so good. She deserves this pain. It feels so good. She needs this pain. She is suffering but the more pain the better. Maybe she’ll die. That’d be nice. She’d have an escape from all the pain. Escape. That is a nice word. She’d finally be free from others’ thoughts. She wouldn’t have to see people imagining them fucking her and hurting her. She wouldn’t have to know everyone hates her. She would be so free. Death sounds amazing. Perhaps she’d succeed. That’d be so nice._ __  
__  
_Pain. Pain. So much pain. It needs to end. So much pain. She can’t tolerate anymore. It needs to end. She cannot survive. She refuses to survive. She doesn’t deserve it anyway. She’s worthless. So worthless. Useless. All she is is a pretty face, a hole to fuck, someone to use and toss away._ __  
__  
_Not that any of this is new, but she’d always ignored it - pretended it wasn’t true. But she couldn’t deny it any longer. She needed pain. So much pain. Anything to dull the mental pain. Anything._ __  
__  
_Oh there it is again. Much better. Everything is so much better when I’m hurting like this. My mind is quieter. Finally. Such a relief. Maybe I’ll be free soon. I hope I’m free soon. I am done fighting. I don’t deserve to live anyway._ __  
__  
The physical pain stopped. She blinked rapidly, confusion etched into her features. Suddenly she was looking into Tina’s face, damp with tears.  
  
“Tina, what..?” Queenie began, looking around for some clues as to what was going on. Her arms were covered in blood and her face damp from tears.  
  
“What do you think you’re doing, Queens? I thought you were better.” The latter comes out as a whimper.  
  
Queenie took a shuddering breath in, “It… It’s bad Teenie. Worse than Before.” She begins rocking back and forth, trying to control the urges.  
  
Tina began saying something, but Queenie couldn’t hear her. She could only feel the pain she’d been trying to ignore for the last few years. It swelled and she lost her sight again, and automatically began using _Lacero_ on herself, to bring the pain back. The wounds. Death.  
  
She forgot Tina was even there until her wand was taken from her hand.  
  
“I need it Tina. Need it. I need it, Tina.” And _oh, she’s crying again._  
  
There was the warmth of healing magic, and then the cold of __Tergeo cleaning her arms. She shivered.  
  
“Tina, please. Please. I don’t deserve it. I can’t save anybody, I’m a failure, I’m useless and worthless, a hole to fuck, a pretty face, screwed up and helpless. Let me end it, please. Tina, please. I need it, please Tina, please.” Queenie was begging like she never had before. Tina had never seen her so desperate. Not even Before.  
  
Tina took a deep breath, clutched her sister’s upper arm tightly, and apparated them to St. Bart’s.

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to reach out to me on tumblr - I'm ryanthedemiboy


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